My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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