You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
