Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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