I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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