You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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