my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
