Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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