I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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