LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
