Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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