oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize