In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
