Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
