i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
