I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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