Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
