I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
