is your mom at the bar?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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