He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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