thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
