There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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