Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
