maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.Â
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
