Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
