My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
We smell like vodka and hangover
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
