God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
