my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
