My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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