grandma shit on top of the toilet
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize