when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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