You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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