I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
being pregnant is like rehab
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
