Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
