I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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