fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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