I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
