and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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