Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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