I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
