dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
