Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
