apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
