You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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