saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize