i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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