How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
