she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
