peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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