So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
