My hand turned me down
I wish I only lived at night.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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