Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wish life had little blips of pornography
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
