I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
