you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
