I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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