Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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