I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize