Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
