my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I got her a Nickelback box set.
sarcasm needs its own font
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
