U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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