I haven't been this sober since birth.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
