You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
