Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Randomize
