The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize