I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
