too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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